Reflecting on your values before opening your mouth makes for happier relationships

February 5, 2023

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Reflecting on your values before opening your mouth makes for happier relationships

Ever found yourself angry at a situation and in desperate need to tell the world about it by ranting to anyone who’ll listen? Maybe it’s time to pause; inhale and reflect on what values you hold dear.

A new interdisciplinary study, conducted by philosophers, psychologists and linguists has found that a process of reflecting on life values before a debate can enhance people’s willingness to listen to others and engage with them in a civil dialogue.

For the study, the research team recruited 303 participants. Participants were put in small groups where they were asked to discuss the merits of charging tuition fees for education. Before the debate, half were first asked to write about the life values they considered important. All discussions were recorded, coded, and analyzed.

The analysis revealed that the process of reflecting on values first helped to inspire individuals’ ‘intellectual humility’: their awareness of their own fallibility and openness to others’ views. 60.6% of participants who reflected on their values first showed more humility compared to the average person who was not given this task.

In a seemingly ever-distant world where opinions appear increasingly polarized, the researchers suggest their results show grounds for optimism. If people were to stop and reflect on the values which are important to them, debates in the online and offline world could be far more harmonious, they speculate.

What the researchers say: “We are often told that we live in a polarized world where having the ‘wrong’ view about topics will get you shouted down before you have had a chance to finish,” the lead author explained. “This research suggests that polarization might be exaggerated and that by pausing to reflect on personal values before engaging in these kinds of conversations, our interactions could become more harmonious.”

Previous research by the same team in 2019 found that people are in fact much more united in their beliefs and values than media reporting often suggests.

“The good news from this study is that the vitriol we often see perpetuated online does not have to be that way. By presenting participants with an opportunity to reflect on their values, we found a marked improvement in how they engaged with discussions,” the researchers added. “In the future, we would like to see if this kind of value reflection also works online, to encourage less arrogant dialogue among social media users. We would certainly be interested in sharing our findings with social media developers and others.”

So, what? This is a fascinating study which needs to be confirmed by further research. What happens if the values that people hold are radically different? I’m not convinced that the articulation of those values would aid in making for a better interaction.

Dr Bob Murray

Bob Murray, MBA, PhD (Clinical Psychology), is an internationally recognised expert in strategy, leadership, influencing, human motivation and behavioural change.

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